3.25.2012

AND NOW, A RANT

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{lovely, soothing lavender in blue glass before the *RANT* begins}

Hey, you know what's trickier than maybe you thought it would be? Getting older dudes. I always thought I would embrace aging like the hippie teen I sometimes still see myself to be. I thought I would come to love the changes in my confidence, social position, face, body and dress; that I would love myself just as I was. Here's the thing though - change seems to be happening in some fields, while willfully, cruelly skipping over others. Though I see all the worries, joys, frustrations, parties and passions of my youth writ large across my forehead, I certainly don't see them in my level of self-confidence, which seems to do nothing but deteriorate over time.

I kindof have this pact with my sister and my best bud Genevieve right now to write only honest, truthful posts on our blogs for awhile. It's hard to put yourself out there, perhaps unnecessary too (especially considering this is supposed to be a "work blog") but since my feelings permeate every aspect of my life and work, and since I don't seem to be blogging much at all, I thought I'd just try writing here.

So here are some issues I have about getting older:
1) It never occurred to me when I was 22 that my body wasn't always going to look the way it did then, certainly not with the amount of cheese I've eaten and booze I've drunk over the past decade. Willpower is not my strong point and a crepe complete & glass of wine will almost always win out over a trip to the gym. Now I have 10 years of pleasure, literally, under my belt but a body that doesn't feel totally my own. And can I do something about that? Sure. Will I? I don't know - it's so much easier to obsess over something that's not right than spend that time fixing it. Obviously I know the dreaded 'media' along with the industry I've chosen to work within have helped develop a rather unhealthy self-image. When women in their 50s look like Tilda Swinton, women in their 60s like Helen Mirren, it seems impossible to compete even as a 30-something. And the worst competition will always be my past self, which makes getting older hard because the ideals are so unattainable and the image of the past ever present.

2) At 19 I had the whole world within my grasp. The hard part is knowing now that I didn't know it then. Lately I've been thinking about why I chose to leave home at 17 to pursue a degree in fine arts. I know now that moving to a different city, attending university and facing all the wonders and challenges that brought was brave and probably as much newness as I could handle at the time. Looking back though I wonder why I didn't instead, say, move to New York, make art, meet people and start my life right off the bat. Thank god I had wonderful, supportive parents who allowed me to pursue my little dreams in the little way I did, but really - fine arts? What kind of idiot studies painting at university? If I could do it all over again I would've taken much greater leaps at an early age when I was supremely confident, blissfully unaware and didn't yet have a jaded bone in my body.

3) I remember my mother telling me something that my grandmother said to her, perhaps on an 80th birthday: basically you always feel the same, you always feel 24, but that face in the mirror just keeps changing. How can I reconcile my eternal, internal youth with a reflected visage that tells me I'm no longer fresh faced? How do people do this, deal with this ongoing physical change when inwardly one remains forever young? How do I stay true to all aspects of myself? Seriously, can someone tell me? Why is my self-worth so tied to my physicality?

4) When am I ever going to stop being selfish? I want children, possibly soon, but knowing I have to stop with the all-consuming introspection has me terrified. It makes me wish I'd just had a 'happy accident' years ago so I could quit finding reasons to put off obsessing over myself and be able to nurture another. Also? the older I get the more solitary I become. I LOVE time to myself, I LOVE privacy, I LOVE doing whatever I want whenever I want it (otherwise why grow up at all?) When am I going to become an actual grown-up though? Do I want to? Can I handle it? Why hasn't growing older given me answers to any of these questions?

5) What happened to my self confidence? I was never completely confident nor woefully insecure but I remember once feeling somewhat secure, empathetic, trusting my instincts and loving myself. As I grow older I question myself more and more. I don't trust things I never would've questioned 10 years ago. Am I just challenging myself, or is my life permeated by fear? 'Aging' hasn't lived up to my expectations of how I would feel about myself, my successes, the lessons I've learned, the things I've done. Isn't it supposed to get easier? Aren't I supposed to be able to present myself in a mature, concise way, to want to talk about my work, to know myself and show my best side to others? I still want to sit at the kid's table.

6) Why aren't I making any money (see: BFA, pursued dreams, hippie youth, etc. {oh....right}) At 16 one imagines that when they're 32 they will have some semblance of a lucrative career. As someone with one failed business already in their portfolio it's very hard for me to be starting again. Dudes, I'm working 16 hour workdays in a room, alone, in my home and earning an income which simply does not jive with my vision of future (present) me. It sucks to have self-worth tied to financial gains and industry respect but I can't help it, these are the things that make my life comfortable and desirable. I look at my contemporaries in other fields and wonder why age and experience have yet to pay off for me in any way. Hey! I'm talented! Hey, I work hard! Hey! I have an incredibly coveted job of which I am in complete control! Where is the security and $ I was hoping for?

7) Why is being a teenager so alluring when you're 30 but kindof !blah! when it's actually happening. When I'm 60 will I covet my 30s? When I'm 90 will I wish that I was 75 again (I'll warrant a guess that I'll still wish I was 17.) Lately I've been falling prey to all sorts of things that I would've (and did) shun back in the day when I was supposed to enjoy them. As a workaholic shut-in I watch a lot of internet tv, lately Buffy the Vampire Slayer which I thought was beyond lame when it came out and I was starting university. But somehow watching it now has brought me to multiple emotional breakdowns and I've been seeking out why. First, I think I love the routine, something to look forward to each time, a new episode, a new friend, an escape. Second I miss that thrilling, terrifying uncertainty - first love so strong it makes you sick, finding power in your youthful strength, challenges you've never faced before, freedom and ease of new independence. Also, vampire slayer! Hello! That trope of the extraordinary in the ordinary or vice versa, of which every human dreams. Third, the reality that sets in when I turn it off. I'm just ordinary in the ordinary after all.

8) I don't feel any closer to what I want, in fact I feel I don't know what I want at all anymore. Perhaps that's just time and age leading me down certain paths instead of having everything in the world open to me (which is easy - pick everything), but now I need to actually decide and that's damn hard work. Let's be honest, my life is lovely. I live in a city I love, with a man I absolutely cherish, I have a beautiful and comfortable home and life is taking its delightful course. I find, however, that in all this happiness and contentment I struggle to define myself and it's a chore having to work on myself after all this time when I thought I knew myself so well. Who am I?

9) Have you heard 'The Ballad of Lucy Jordan'?

10) Ok, ok, things are fine, what can I say? But it's just awful realizing after all this time I've spent with myself that I continue to hurt and dream, to want, to disregard. I need things and I'm superficial and I'm not sure of myself or of the future. I'm hard on myself, I desire more of myself, I wonder: will I ever be enough? Will I make a mark? To quote a friend: "my enduring fear is that I am just someone, and will never be someone in particular". Can a mid-life crisis happen at 32 or is it just a sign that I need to push myself more & again?

I'm going to end this rant now, sorry for posting myself all over the internet. My diary will never forgive me.

16 comments:

  1. Ahhhh what a perfect rant. I FEEL YOU! Especially on the money front. Wish I had some answers.

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    1. It seems increasingly hard to make it as a small, independent designer, doesn't it? If you ever want to talk nitty gritty financials just let me know!

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  2. I can totally relate to a lot of this. I'm turning 32 this year and not exactly where i thought i would be in life. I've just been trying focus more on the positive things and on my goals for the future, while trying not to let that creeping what-am-i-doing-with-my-life anxiety get to me.

    †Miss M†

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    1. I think that's the trick - I need to stop worrying about the past (or past visions of the future) and really focus on all the good things going on now. So easy to say that, hey?

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  3. Thanks for this, Eliz. Oh dear, I am not so far away. Just today I was thinking about the painting that I did NOT pursue and am 'taking up' again now (is the grass always greener?), and almost started re-watching Beverly Hills 90210 just on a whim, from the beginning again. WTF?! I probably will too, eventually. I'll write you an email in response to this. SERENITY NOW.

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    1. Haha, yes, you be the artist and I'll be a successful dermatologist or something, OK? Also, teenage tv is really good dude, there's a reason it pulls those heartstrings.

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  4. My only thoughts:

    Keep making beautiful things. See yourself in them.

    :)

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    1. Awww, thanks Jenny. I will continue to try.

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  5. Your honesty is humbling :) It's a great change from the usual blog space out here. It's nice to hear.

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    1. Thank you. I know I can't put myself out there like this all the time, but it felt great to actually explore and disseminate some real thoughts for once.

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  6. 10 years ago, when I was 32 years old, I was in a totally different place in my life as far as career goes. I had finished my BA at the age of 25, got married, had a son and we set off to live in Japan for 3 years. When we returned, I was 31 and had no job. My husband got a retail job and I took a pt-time job so I could pick up our son from school everyday. We weren't earning much but we made choices out of love and we never regretted it. After 4 years of applying for a civil service job, I was finally chosen for a position, and things are looking up. I've been there for 5 years now, which I wouldn't have imagined at the age of 32. Just want to encourage you to make choices out of love and a sense of adventure, and new opportunitIes & possibilities will come your way. I hope this helps you...miss your Noko clothing line,btw!

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  7. I quit my stable, full-time office job 5 years ago to pursue my own creative business as well. I'm 34 years old, and for the first time in this endeavor, I earn a reasonable income - as a full-time artist! But... I work at least 80 hours/week, sometimes literally 100 hours/week.

    I'm also not sure if I'm actually happy. I miss having a life(!), but I'm often told that I "should" be happy, because I am living my dream. I'm finding more and more that no one knows what should make me happy, and I can decide for myself if I'm happy or not! Either way, I AM grateful for the opportunities that I've had. Every day seems like a struggle, though, I think that I'm living my dream, but maybe this wasn't really my dream...?

    I look back at how simple life was when I was 10 or 20, and these days, all I can think is, "Why didn't I know that it would be this hard?"

    Hang in there. You are SO talented. I wish that I could afford everything that you've made!

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  8. Man, I totally relate to all the stuff you wrote as well! I'm recently 29, in my first year of grad school (MFA, ha!) and CONSTANTLY thinking about my past! The old ;" if I'd known then what I know now" conundrum. Life is so beautiful, magical, amazing, ridiculous and hard. To me, YOUR life looks so good! You've got a business, you're SO talented, your field is so glamourous. But you might think the same of me, right? I don't think we ever know what we are doing, not really. Nor do we ever know how happy we are until it's gone. I'm probably happier then ever right now and not even aware of it. All I'm saying is that it's important to cherish our present as much as we cherish our past and our future. Also, I think you should watch My So Called Life. Such good therapy. Keep making. Fashion, music and visual art are one and the same to me. We need it.
    XOX

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  9. I found this rant quite eloquent. I'm 20 and I'm going to remember what you have said, thank you for sharing this. I sincerely hope you find what you are seeking.

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